39 – So I give myself permission this week to be sad if I need to feel the grief, to rejoice when I feel like it because of the depth of that love. I give myself permission and with that allowance comes the barrage of memories, short videos in my head, waves of emotion in my heart. It’s very physical, the heart thing, like a weight sitting there where the beating comes.

Our walk on the muddy post-storm road is quiet. We keep a brisk pace. It helps me to sprint, to test myself, to keep going. But I have no words, just sensations of loss, heaviness, darkness.

Change it; I call to my innermost self. Remember the positive. Remember the love not the pain. Remember the blessing not the loss.

And  I raise my face and let the wind push against me. I take in the fresh damp air. I breathe because he can’t, because I must, because I promised I would. And I remember him. Over and over again, I remember him.